Monday, March 24, 2008

6310 miles full circle

Strange weekend. It's been said that I lack apathy and that is a fabulously good thing, but I'd pretty much whittled my way down to two options last week, and lacking that protective inertia it was all looking a bit grim :-

1. End my life.
2. Fly to America on someone else's Mastercard to ruin theirs.

I'm selfish, ever noticed?

I mostly had a lovely time, lived a little dream for a little while and stuck my feet into that crystal snow with you. Met some lovely people, really lovely. Somewhere was a dinner party in soft candle-light. We were all laughing like there was a gas leak (of the non-carbon monoxide variety). There's always the down's in between though, the shaking and the tears. There are some pretty pictures for those that like to see pretty pictures, I'll add them if they aren't placed elsewhere.

On the flight home they were playing Beethoven's 5th Piano Concerto. I love that song, reminds of another body I kicked into the gutter. Hey Alasdair, I'm sorry, you wasted so much on me.

Planes, they make me think of Jose. I always say hello. I could have at least sent you something back in the post couldn't I? It probably wouldn't have fixed everything for you, but it wouldn't have taken much. Maybe it would have been something to keep going for.

As I stared at an old couple clinging to each other in their sleep, I wished this wasn't happening. I wished that that house you're in was ours, and it was always like it's been for a couple of days, but it just doesn't seem to be falling that way. I got scared that the old could would wake up, so put my head down, but no sleep was ever going to come.

I hadn't really thought about coming back, but here I am, back, here, doing the same as before. The phone rings out again.

'...I can't talk right now.'

'I know.'

'Let people help you.'


I've been awake for nearly 36 hours now and I can no longer talk, or walk, in straight lines. So I will have a shower, and learn about personality disorders and hope for the best.


Digital Flower Pictures said...

JP, I think #2 is a better option! Come to the States, you should fit right in and I mean that in a good way. Try and find another way to finance your trip. Everything is half price over here compared to the UK.

The Non Stop Shoebox said...

I've just come back from New York, where I go every year, just to get treated as somebody.
Back in Britain I'm judged to be someone with an accent, and from a certain class, who does a certain job. And I'm not allowed to aspire to anything else.
In NYC however, I can be who I want, and I'm loved for it.
In Britain I thought suicide was an option. Then I discovered the American alternative.*
And digital flowers pictures is right: you don't need to be subsidised, ITS SO CHEAP.
*Stephen Fry once commented that he'd much rather be told to "have a nice day" by someone who didn't mean it, than to "Fuck Off" by someone who did.

Jane petal said...

Sounds like the American Dream. Please don't take it to be rude, but why are you here?

The Non Stop Shoebox said...

No green card

Digital Flower Pictures said...

"but why are you here?"

I know this wasn't directed at me but I know why I come to your blog.