Monday, March 24, 2008

6310 miles full circle

Strange weekend. It's been said that I lack apathy and that is a fabulously good thing, but I'd pretty much whittled my way down to two options last week, and lacking that protective inertia it was all looking a bit grim :-

1. End my life.
2. Fly to America on someone else's Mastercard to ruin theirs.

I'm selfish, ever noticed?

I mostly had a lovely time, lived a little dream for a little while and stuck my feet into that crystal snow with you. Met some lovely people, really lovely. Somewhere was a dinner party in soft candle-light. We were all laughing like there was a gas leak (of the non-carbon monoxide variety). There's always the down's in between though, the shaking and the tears. There are some pretty pictures for those that like to see pretty pictures, I'll add them if they aren't placed elsewhere.

On the flight home they were playing Beethoven's 5th Piano Concerto. I love that song, reminds of another body I kicked into the gutter. Hey Alasdair, I'm sorry, you wasted so much on me.

Planes, they make me think of Jose. I always say hello. I could have at least sent you something back in the post couldn't I? It probably wouldn't have fixed everything for you, but it wouldn't have taken much. Maybe it would have been something to keep going for.

As I stared at an old couple clinging to each other in their sleep, I wished this wasn't happening. I wished that that house you're in was ours, and it was always like it's been for a couple of days, but it just doesn't seem to be falling that way. I got scared that the old could would wake up, so put my head down, but no sleep was ever going to come.

I hadn't really thought about coming back, but here I am, back, here, doing the same as before. The phone rings out again.

'...I can't talk right now.'

'I know.'

'Let people help you.'


I've been awake for nearly 36 hours now and I can no longer talk, or walk, in straight lines. So I will have a shower, and learn about personality disorders and hope for the best.

Sunday, March 16, 2008


Awoken from sleep
of a peaceful quiet world
by Jokisen tea;
with only four cups of it
one can't sleep even at night.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Uh oh.

There are 2 ominous things in this world -

1. Flies
2. French people talking in the library

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Have you ever...?

So, Psychiatry, that's a load of fun. Today, I spoke to a nice young girl, bit Schizophrenic, but lovely glassy eyes. Stared right into me. 'Have you ever thought that life wasn't worth living?' I ask. 'Have you ever thought life wasn't worth living?' says she. Hmm the chance for honesty, but I've noticed that psychiatrists seem to keep their personalities in their pockets, so I guess I'm supposed to do the same. 'Well, I think, I mean, perhaps everyone thinks about those things sometimes, have you?' says me. 'I think about those things just like everyone, sometimes.' says she. She stares at me a little longer, we both know we are lying, and that blue man in the corner is laughing.

Monday, March 03, 2008


Is it me, or is the new Russian president just a little bit camp? (I do wonder where someone is Putin it.)

Sorry. Honestly, I couldn't help it.

Also today -
Naomi ringing about the charity Gold Party - "The DJ has cancelled"
Five minutes later, from an unknown number - "Do you have anyone DJing at your event on thursday?"

Seriously, is someone watching?