Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Reasons to be cheerful

There are so many, the guilt will break my bones, I'm sure of it.

There have been grey moments of late, blindingly happy ones too, but certainly some grey. Yesterday I was in the rather perculiar situation of being watched by twenty people and asked the question 'Am I going to die?' by a man pretending to have terminal cancer.

The answer, of course, is yes. The silence that follows drags me to the floor, I'm squirming around though I know no-one can see that. Soon the actor is thanking me for answering his questions and I'm heading back, sweaty, to my chair in the crowd. This is so bloody hard. One of the faces around i have an affinity for, their presence makes me more and less nervous simultaneously.

So I go back to a computer screen, sure that I will do all the many things that I've decided need doing. Instead I watch All About Lily Chou-Chou , great film but I've lost reality completely now, walking back from the hospital at midnight through the council houses. There are a few empty cans around, for some reason i don't pick them up. I'm sure at another moment I would have. They'll be gone tomorrow anyway, although I don't know where or why, rubbish just doesn't seem to accumulate. Perhaps that's why people leave it around. I hate that.

Another conversation on the phone. Sometimes I hear the talking and I wish it wasn't me, wish I wasn't ruining things, but it just goes on and on regardless.

Monday, February 25, 2008


If I can't be you can I at least kiss you.

Friday, February 22, 2008

It's been a while

Sorry time has passed without anything having been said. I did, however, notice that someone is playing tetras really really slowly in the background here. Other than it's more obvious relation to four, tetra are also fish. Ok so it might not be so interesting but i enjoyed it.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Motor neurone disease

If you're still reading after the title you have my utmost respect. Not many people want to think about motor neurone disease, on account of it representing the opitome of one of our fundamental fears, uncontrolled deterioration so that we have no function left and are completely aware without any control over our life.

I met a woman this week with motor neurone disease. 60 or so, with fluffy grey/brown hair. She laughed quite a lot, I'm told that was emotional lability due to suprabulbar palsy. She was a lovely lady, not at all frustrated about having to talk to a bunch of attractive/healthy/going-to-fix-the-world/can-do-anything-they-want-to medical students, and having to do it using a hand-held keyboard. I wanted to do something to fix it so badly. I wish I was better at this, certainly as good as the reputation would suggest, but more than that. One of the other's said they couldn't do neurology because it is too depressing. What's the point? Really, what are you in it for?

Oh, and I truly believed Stephen Hawkins was American, silly computer programmers.

Also, this man poked me, who are you? you cant do that!

Friday, February 08, 2008


Why are cholinergic neurones lost preferentially in Alzheimer's?

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Squash it away

Just the next street along

Pam was busy today. Bugger. Never mind. I can do this, I CAN DO THIS. Toddle back to the hospital, give a presentation on depression and dementia. I CAN DO THIS. Go talk to a person who's liver seems to be failing. IT WILL BE FINE. Squash, my first lesson. First girl there (other than me) so we stand awhile wondering whether or not the other is there for the same reason. Each decides that the other is looking in the same way and therefore is likely to be. She says hello. Hello. Are you here for squash? Yes, are you? Yes. Are you a student? Yes, are you? No, I work for the University. Oh what do you do? I work for STAR, they organised sports and halls (a strange combination but ok). Are you in halls? No, I used to be 3 years back now. Where did you live. Ashburne hall, I liked it a lot. Oh did you know Michelle? Erm, no. Oh I think she was the warden then, her husband is the warden now in Richmond Park, so we all had to move. Oh. Did you know Brian? No. STOP IT, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, GO AWAY. So it goes and I'm soon standing on my own smacking a ball against a wall. Think I'm ok at squash, aside from the serving.

The thing is I'm keeping it at now, I'm forgetting all that and quite frankly I want all those things to become cold shadows in the hope that they will eventually slowly fade to nothing. It's my way of making things work, because it isn't at the moment really.

Monday, February 04, 2008

I can only make it this far

Shame that I can only get to this point in the week before needing to talk to someone. I have spent every effort trying to get this fly out of my room without killing it; he seems intent on tormenting me.

Friday, February 01, 2008


Today it appears not much made sense. When you speed through a slick neurological examination, deciding on your shiny new diagnosis, only to be told that the patient is hysterical and has nothing at all wrong with her. Well then.

Finish with the day to get home tobe told that you were being led somewhere you had no idea you were going at all, let alone somewhere you wanted to go.

Most of the time things swing along nicely, in the belief that the eyes are catching everything that is going on around them, when of the surrounding reality what proportion is actually being received?

How can it feel so different in here than the way it must be looking on the outside.

Oh and I found this, it is disturbing but quite pretty.