Reasons to be cheerful

There are so many, the guilt will break my bones, I'm sure of it.

There have been grey moments of late, blindingly happy ones too, but certainly some grey. Yesterday I was in the rather perculiar situation of being watched by twenty people and asked the question 'Am I going to die?' by a man pretending to have terminal cancer.

The answer, of course, is yes. The silence that follows drags me to the floor, I'm squirming around though I know no-one can see that. Soon the actor is thanking me for answering his questions and I'm heading back, sweaty, to my chair in the crowd. This is so bloody hard. One of the faces around i have an affinity for, their presence makes me more and less nervous simultaneously.

So I go back to a computer screen, sure that I will do all the many things that I've decided need doing. Instead I watch All About Lily Chou-Chou , great film but I've lost reality completely now, walking back from the hospital at midnight through the council houses. There are a few empty cans around, for some reason i don't pick them up. I'm sure at another moment I would have. They'll be gone tomorrow anyway, although I don't know where or why, rubbish just doesn't seem to accumulate. Perhaps that's why people leave it around. I hate that.

Another conversation on the phone. Sometimes I hear the talking and I wish it wasn't me, wish I wasn't ruining things, but it just goes on and on regardless.