Have your cake and eat it

I don’t want to buy cake; I don’t deserve it, I’ve had it before and it’s not fair. I don’t want to go out drinking, I don’t want Birthday presents, I don’t want you to love me, I don’t want new shoes. I have to be missing at least one thing.

The world should be fair, right? I realise it isn’t, but that it’s most people want I think. It isn’t fair though. If it was fair something bad would have happened by now. I do enough bad things to deserve something. Some of those bad things are to test this point precisely and they never seem to work. I leave things around that I would steal and they don’t get stolen. I’m cruel to people and new people come and tell me they love me. How can you make someone feel as though there life is not even worth living and be made to feel that you are everything to another. I don’t get it. I’m more than tempting fate, I’m demanding fate, I want some karma. Otherwise this world is unpredictable, anything could happen at any time and that is what most people avoid thinking of for most of the time. Why do they drive to work everyday through rush-hour traffic at nine? Because then they know what tomorrow will be like.

I don’t want cake, so I don’t buy it. It’s not the guilt of being fat, because I’m not, and even if I was I’m hardly going to be prosecuted. No it’s a deeper guilt, a guilt of fortune. Why am I so fortunate? So I set these false limits, and that is what they are, entirely false. If I want cake I can have it, as Jarvis Cocker pointed out. I’m just a little rich girl, at medical schools who has decided she doesn’t want everything she can get. So what happens? I decide I don’t want the cake. A pretty thing arrives and says he’ll get the cake, then apologises for not letting me eat it immediately. Gets upset because he’s eating cake and I’m not. I eat cake. The battle is already lost and I’ve already won a thousand times over.

Please, tell me what the answer is.